David Cook became this season’s American Idol. Upon winning, the emo-rocker proved that he was the crowd favorite, winning over David Archuleta by over 12 million votes, while also showing America that big boys can cry. In public. But only if they cry like manly-men.David Cook showed America that it’s ok to cry if you’re a guy—as long as you follow our six simple rules for man tears.
1. The reason better be big. David cried when he won American Idol. He hit the sex, drugs and rock and roll jackpot. Woman can cry sitting in front of the t.v., They watch audience members discover they’re at Oprah’s favorite things show and the blubbering begins. Men, however, if you’re watching Two and a Half Men and feel a tear coming on when Charlie and Alan have that final brotherly moment, you’d better get up and fire up some power tools. Otherwise you’re a wuss.
2. Your tears must be unwelcome. You don’t even know what they are. In fact, in that first moment when you feel a wave of emotion, blink twice, hard and look perplexed. What is that strange feeling? Is that…emotion? Fist to the mouth. Pound your lips a few times. If that doesn’t work, bend over and hide your face. Think of Chris Crocker crying over Britney. That should knock some sense in you.
3. Have a good reason—such as a terminally ill family member. David Cook’s brother has brain cancer. What’s your excuse? Man up, dude!
4. For God’s sake, no sobbing. A small mist is ok; but dam the river dude. And swipe at those tears. No dabbing. No nose emissions, please. Ok, this rule’s not limited to man tears. That rule goes for the girls, too.
5. Don’t speak. You’re too overcome for that. Put that warbling falsetto in the toolbox and save it for Andrew Lloyd Webber night. Words aren’t butch and trying to speak is a slippery slope to # 4. Trapped inside is deeply felt emotion that you’re just too studly to express.
Which leads us to the final rule:
6. Be hot--hetero hot. Hug David Archuletta if you must, but don’t stand too close to Ryan Seacrest. People will wonder. According to Dr. William Frey, a professor of pharmaceutics at the University of Minnesota, men cry an average of 1.4 times per month. Dr. Frey didn’t say if these men are hot, but let’s hope so, and that if they cry they do it the David Cook way.
http://www.davidcook.org/
2. Your tears must be unwelcome. You don’t even know what they are. In fact, in that first moment when you feel a wave of emotion, blink twice, hard and look perplexed. What is that strange feeling? Is that…emotion? Fist to the mouth. Pound your lips a few times. If that doesn’t work, bend over and hide your face. Think of Chris Crocker crying over Britney. That should knock some sense in you.
3. Have a good reason—such as a terminally ill family member. David Cook’s brother has brain cancer. What’s your excuse? Man up, dude!
4. For God’s sake, no sobbing. A small mist is ok; but dam the river dude. And swipe at those tears. No dabbing. No nose emissions, please. Ok, this rule’s not limited to man tears. That rule goes for the girls, too.
5. Don’t speak. You’re too overcome for that. Put that warbling falsetto in the toolbox and save it for Andrew Lloyd Webber night. Words aren’t butch and trying to speak is a slippery slope to # 4. Trapped inside is deeply felt emotion that you’re just too studly to express.
Which leads us to the final rule:
6. Be hot--hetero hot. Hug David Archuletta if you must, but don’t stand too close to Ryan Seacrest. People will wonder. According to Dr. William Frey, a professor of pharmaceutics at the University of Minnesota, men cry an average of 1.4 times per month. Dr. Frey didn’t say if these men are hot, but let’s hope so, and that if they cry they do it the David Cook way.
http://www.davidcook.org/
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1 comment:
Can I get a ruling on this one?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dA4uMl9zEQ
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